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THE ALTERNATIVE DICTIONARY OF CHESS TERMS |
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A |
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Aardvark |
A German player’s description of how he won |
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Address |
What you need to wear to become a WIM |
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Album |
The display of a rotund player when seated |
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Anticlockwise |
A player constantly in time trouble |
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Arbiter |
Official who is simultaneously pleasant, agreeable, officious, overbearing, bureaucratic, helpful, obliging, courteous, rude |
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Aromatherapy |
The art of persuading certain players to take a shower daily |
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B |
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b pawn |
A warning sound before arbiter goes round the bend |
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Back Rank Mate |
Friendly taxi driver whose cab is the last in line |
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Board |
What arbiters have with their bed |
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Book Move |
Rearranging the contents of your library |
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C |
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Candidate move |
The attempt to progress the relationship with someone to whom you have just given chocolates |
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Castling Short |
An attempt to brick up a controversial GrandMaster |
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Compensation |
The art of convincing yourself that being two pieces down is not a reason to resign |
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Connected Pawn |
Weak player with Mafia associations |
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Conversation |
Annoying activity performed at the end of one’s game |
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Correspondence Chess |
A form of chess for those who find playing 40 moves in 2 hours is much too fast |
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Counter Attack |
Struggle to get to front of queue for lunch |
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Crosstable |
The board at which both players have suffered a zero tolerance default. |
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D |
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Diversion |
The Welsh form of chess |
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Double attack |
Arbiter eating two puddings simultaneously |
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Draw Offer |
To invite your opponent to join you outside for a cigarette |
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E |
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Elo Rating |
Abbreviated form of typical chess player’s greeting “Hello, what is your grade?” |
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End Game |
The final chance to find a win or draw |
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F |
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FIDE |
Grandmaster term for the day that their conditions are paid |
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Flag |
The art of losing games, possibly on time, in the latter part of a tournament |
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Friendly Game |
An impossible concept in chess |
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Fool's Mate |
The friend of a chess player |
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G |
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g pawn |
Loud honking device fitted to a Jeep |
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Game Score |
The number of deer seen on the way to a remote congress |
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H |
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Handicap |
Readily available headwear |
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Hijack |
Rudd on a very good score |
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I |
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Illegal Move |
Taking a sick bird to the vet |
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Illegal position |
Playing chess whilst driving |
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Inactive |
Description of the movement of an arbiter |
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Increment |
Mistaken interpretation of Chinese player’s description of the weather |
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Isolated Pawn |
Remote location of financial provider |
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J |
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Jangle |
Noise made with keys to disturb opponent |
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Jargon |
Unintelligible speech required to be ECF CEO |
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K |
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KIA |
A type of orange squash |
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KID |
Young player who always seems to beat you |
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Kingside |
A player who supports Charles’ ascension to the throne |
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L |
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Liposuction |
Act of slurping tea to distract opponent |
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Loo |
Storage area for tablets running chess engines |
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Loss |
Accurately described in the phrase “I had the third best result ever” |
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M |
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Main Line |
Where some players feel like lying after a bad game |
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Mate |
Something the general public think your average chess player is short of |
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Mating Net |
Device used by chess player to get a partner |
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Mind Sport |
An Australian asking you to move out of his way |
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Minor Exchange |
A chess player’s attempt at having a conversation |
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Minority Attack |
Having a go at an arbiter |
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Move Order |
The waitress brings the meal |
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N |
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Norm |
What most chess players seek to achieve but deviate from |
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O |
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Opening Preparation |
Arbiter practicing with a tin-opener |
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Opening Repertoire |
A series of conversation starters. Unavailable to most chess players |
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Overloading |
Eating too much |
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Oversight |
Studying the board by looking over the top of your glasses |
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P |
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Passed Pawn |
Financial establishment avoided by player who cannot redeem his goods |
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Perpetual Check |
A vain player continually glimpsing in the mirror |
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Plagiarism |
One of the few ways of making a living from chess |
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Popcorn |
Told by a junior to his father to explain his loss |
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Positional Sacrifice |
To watch soaps with the wife in order to go to the chess club one night |
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Post Mortem |
Analysis stage where losses become wins |
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Q |
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Quickplay Finish |
Instant rejection from one of the opposite sex |
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Quiet Move |
To fail to acknowledge to workmates that you play chess |
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R |
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Rank |
A description of the tournament hall after several hours, especially on a warm day |
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Resign |
A method of ending the game unknown to juniors and Minor players |
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Reticent |
Opening devised by Austro-Czech GM 1. Nf3 d5 2. c4 |
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Romantic |
The noise made by an Italian analogue clock |
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Round |
The body shape required of a senior arbiter |
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S |
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Saxophones |
An arbiter’s collection of player’s mobiles |
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Skewer |
What the Arbiter’s late night meal is cooked on |
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Smothered Mate |
What most chessplayer’s wives think of having |
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Stalemate |
A partner who has been around for a while |
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Strategy |
The skill of avoiding buying a round of drinks |
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T |
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Time Control |
Bladder retention when short of time to complete the game |
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Time Pressure |
The feeling in the bladder when suffering the above |
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U |
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Underpromotion |
Media coverage of chess |
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Under Rated |
Term used to describe the 1200 who beat you convincingly |
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Upset |
To raise the pieces to a higher level |
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V |
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Venue |
A euphemism for a cold, poorly lit space |
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Vertical |
A position difficult to maintain after the 8th celebratory pint |
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W |
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Waiting Move |
Player’s excuse for not talking to attractive female |
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Weak Square |
Woman’s description of above player |
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Weekend Congress |
A tournament where you travel 100-300 miles to play someone from your own club |
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X |
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X-Ray |
Allegedly a description of how the Times chess column could be improved |
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Y |
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Yawning |
Activity designed to persuade opponent to resign. Usually counter-productive |
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Yoghurt |
Method of sending coded moves to team mate |
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Z |
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Zugzwang |
A move you’d rather not make e.g. going from the pub to home |
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Zzzzzz |
Noise made by spectators |